music (part 1)

i am pretty lonely. i try not to show it too often but it's true. and it's not any of your faults, so don't feel bad. it's the natural progression of the post-college lifestyle where people have different priorities and are coming and going. a few of my closest friends recently left pittsburgh for the summer, probably longer, and i'm not taking it well. i have friends around and i'm thankful for them, but the best friend i've had lately has been music.

i expect that this will be the first of many blogs about music because it's such an important part of my life, but tonight i'm just feeling how i fill the voids in my life with music. i know that as a christian i should be filling those voids with God, and i am working on doing that, but in the meantime i like to think that God's provided music for me to enjoy for now.

the last few days i've felt especially lonely and empty, mostly because my job is no longer very enjoyable, and tonight i came home and played drums. i was getting antsy where i was this evening because i really just wanted to come home and wail on my kit. and i did. i am really thankful for parents who let me play as loud as i can at 11:30. but i had the song "beating heart baby" by head automatica stuck in my head all night (thanks monica) and i just had to come home and play it. the song just made me feel alive. and when i made the key hits at the right time, it almost brought me to tears because i felt so overwhelmed by music.

sometimes there are just songs that fit the mood. or brighten the mood. when i'm feeling depressed on my way to work i like to put on "at the beach" by the avett brothers. there's no song that makes me feel better like that one. it's upbeat, it's meaningful, it's simple, it'll get stuck in my head all day. there's nothing like getting a good song stuck in your head all day. but when i sit down and play that tune on guitar it just feels amazing. to hear your favorite song recreated by your own hands is an unbelieveable feeling.

a friend of mine got his hands on audio bootlegs of 30 live avett brothers shows. when i stayed at his place that week we just sat in his living room, drank some beer, and listened. i'd relive that evening over and over if i could. there's nothing i do more than listen to music, except breathe. we listened to a show that we both attended at the kent stage in kent, oh. i always say that listening to songs helps me relive the drama of seeing the song played live, but it's a completely different level when you actually hear the performance again. the chills are there. the excitement is there. the anticipation of "what song is next?" is there. that's the feeling i'm looking for in my everyday life and music is what provides it.

i know that resolving an issue in my life with a real conversation with a real person can't be replaced, but sometimes i really feel like i can keep on going with just a tune in my speakers. when i'm feeling like the world is against me, no one cures my land-locked blues like bright eyes. when i want to share my simple joy with people, no band can match the avett brothers' insight. when i'm feeling energized, squad five-o knows how to let it loose. and sometimes having a conversation about something doesn't get the feelings out like sitting on the throne of my old $250 used ludwig set.

6714 miles

the number of miles i want to travel in the search for something. i don't know what i'm looking for yet, but i haven't found it to this point. i do know that i want to see as much as possible. and i do know that i've been looking around here, and it's nowhere to be found. i don't know if someone's going to show it to me, or if i'm going to have to get there and find it myself, but i figure i should probably start looking somewhere else.

when will the trip happen? who knows. maybe right after grad school. maybe during grad school. hell, maybe tomorrow. i do know that i'm sick of waiting. i've been talking seriously about the pacific northwest for about a year. the first thought of it came when i looked at programs at gonzaga, wsu, and uw for teaching when i was a senior in college two years ago. i've wanted to go back to the grand canyon since i first set foot in it. and i've wanted to camp at the bottom since donald miller explained his own expedition. and who hasn't cosidered california? there's just something about the ocean.

there's also something about leaving home and everything you're comfortable with. i sorta did that two summers ago when i went to ocean city for the cco's beach project. but let's face it, a summer on the east coast with expenses covered by generous supporters living in a house of Christian leaders is not exactly unsafe. things have just become so routine and unadventurous here at home that the monotony is making me search for a change. i'm going to grad school at pitt in the fall, so i'm here for two years. and i'm excited about finishing my education at the school i love. but afterward, something's got to give.

i talk to friends who are in new places. some love their new locations, some are still getting their feet wet, and some don't seem to be interested in getting too comfortable. but at least they're trying. i've taken the easy way out a lot. going to school in pittsburgh, living at home the past year, applying to pitt for grad school. i love pittsburgh and i look forward to the opportunity to be there again. but before i decide that this is where i'm settling i've got to try something new. that's where the roadtrip comes in.

i think donald miller has been responsible for a lot of road trips. "through painted deserts" paints a picture of he and his friend driving in a VW van from houston to seattle. they have no agenda and haven't planned much about what happens when they get to where they're going. that's a life that i haven't lived. like taking back sunday speaks to me, "you are everything i want because you're everything i'm not." i want the freedom of having no agenda, nothing to see and nowhere to go with no timetable. get there when i get there. see whatever i feel like seeing.

so google tells me its 6714 miles for a trip that starts in pittsburgh, goes through st louis, hits the grand canyon, passes through san diego, los angeles, and san francisco, rocks up through portland (hippienation) and seattle (hipsternation) before ending in vancouver, hitting minneapolis and chicago on the way home. that'd almost cover it all for me. i came close to committing some time to seattle, so i want to know if i really should. and portland is where my favorite aforementioned author has written the stuff that's changed my life. and la is where my job as an advisor at usc by day, surfer by night, would come to fruition.

maybe i settle in pittsburgh ultimately. in fact, i'd be surprised if i didn't. but i'm 24 and i've got nothing to do but play guitar, so why would i want to keep doing that here when there's so many other places? and who knows, maybe i'll find what i'm looking for on the way.

communication

working in a restaurant has shown me a lot of things. i hate to admit it because i don't like my job and i have been trying to find something better since i left my job at the church, but it's hard to deny that there's a reason that i'm there. today the reason happens to be to teach me something about how we interact with one another.

there are a lot of interesting and diverse people at the olive garden. yesterday i made an observation about one guy i work with. he isn't very educated (ged, no college), but with the way he can speak and banter with a quick, sharp wit you'd be hard-pressed to believe that. i know it's stereotyping, but it's pretty common that the more educated someone is, the better they are at interpersonal communication. that being said, this guy is an exception to the rule. he is satisfied with his life and therefore has no problem with his schedule and life as a bartender at the olive garden, which i can respect.

when we were talking about golfing the other day i wanted to get his number so we could coordinate some plans. he gave me his home number and told me he doesn't have a cell phone. he doesn't have a computer, either. then i realized that his impecable ability to communicate well person-to-person comes from the fact that he simply does all of his communicating face-to-face. he doesn't get sidetracked by how he talks with people on the phone or via text messaging or emails. his only way of communication, and therefore mastered way of communication, is through real life interaction.

this got me thinking about how we've become so sidetracked by technology. as i talked with co-workers about the fact that this guy doesn't have a cell phone, all i can say is that i wish i could do the same. it'd be nice to live your life on your own without a way of other people contacting you 24/7. sometimes there are more important things than receiving a phone call, like sleeping is for me (i shut my phone off at night).

but for all that we christians want to love one another, we stil get sidetracked. we focus on our computers and cell phones, sending texts to people who aren't with us, while disregarding the people who are with us here and now. i wish i could go without my phone and computer, but i simply can't, not in this day and age. i have developed too much of a reliance on them. but i applaud people like my co-worker who have learned the value of spending real time with people and really valuing that interaction. sometimes the last person you expect to learn from can teach you some of the most valuable lessons.

friends

lately all i've been thinking about is the transitional period i'm experiencing in my life. i've immersed myself into a position where i have graduated from college and am awaiting the start of grad school. i'm living at home and trying to pay my bills. my career hasn't started, but i don't feel completely comfortable with where i'm at because almost all of my friends are either in school or into a full time job. i've learned to live my life day-to-day and just enjoy things as they come, but that is about to become more difficult as another transition happens with many of my close friends graduating and/or leaving pittsburgh.

for being a pretty friendly person i think i have a fairly unique approach and thought process when it comes to my relationships with others. since about junior high i tend to guard myself from relying on others. when i was younger i felt let down and sometimes betrayed by people who i thought i'd become close friends with, so from that young age i decided that the only person i could rely on was myself. and that has stood true in my life through today, in a way.

i value friendships. no matter what you read in this post just know that i do value my close friends. i simply have found that i don't maintain "best" friends like other people might. i try not to get too attached to anyone in particular because i know that they're going to make decisions for themselves and that i might not be able to rely on them 100% of the time. that might sound like i don't have faith in people, but the truth is that i don't want to feel let down or sad when someone doesn't do what i hope they'd do all the time. i feel like this disconnection allows me to be more independent in my decisions as well.

that all being said, i feel like i don't end up with any "best" friend(s) but rather a large group of people who i'd consider my closest friends. and here i am writing because i have allowed myself to get close enough to a group of people that i will be pretty sad when they are no longer in my life as frequently as they have been the last couple of years.

we grow up, our lives change, our priorities change, and we have to adjust. this isn't the end of friendships, but rather the turning of a page and the start of a new chapter. new friendships will come from new endeavors. other friendships will become closer as a result of proximity. some friendships may dwindle for the same reason. but the closest ones will maintain. i'm interested to see who will be my closest friends this time next year and how my life will have changed.

thankfully one thing that can't be taken away is the memories. no matter what, i'll always be able to remember riding bikes from south oakland to centre plaza with mike and andy in freezing temperatures just to hang out for a few hours. i'll remember the walks to the south side to catch monday movies last summer. i'll remember the first and second hamloaf breakfasts. and that's only the start.

i didn't mean for this to be written to a specific group of people, but i do want to thank those of you who are leaving pittsburgh soon because you've changed my life. i've opened myself up to close friendships again and i consider you all my best friends. but we won't be saying "goodbye" as much as "see you soon".

the church

today is sunday and i did not go to church. nor will i. i work tonight, but this morning i was free and clear, i simply chose not to go. as i was trying to decide whether to set my alarm last night, i thought it'd be a good idea for me to stay home and explore some of the questions i've had about church lately.

since leaving my job at christian community church in october, i haven't really felt any particular need to invest myself in a church community. i had become pretty sick and bored with participating in ministry after doing little aside from leading Bible studies, playing on worship teams, and making plans for ministry in pittsburgh and mars. the whole meaning of everything had become stale and distant. i knew all the answers (Jesus) and could easily teach other people what the Bible wants us to do and how we should live our lives, but these answers were nothing other than simple answers anymore. i'd reached a point where my faith had become nothing exciting or interesting anymore. a stalemate.

so this morning i wanted to take time to examine what the point is, why i should go to church, what am i missing out on, where does this void come from? i woke up and started to have my own personal service, complete with a time of prayer and a time of worship. then it was time to explore the Bible for the first time on weeks, maybe months. i googled for answers to "what is the purpose of the church?". i was trying to figure out why i should go to church on sundays instead of worshiping on my own right there in my bed. what was i missing?

the answers were what i expected. the greek word that translates to "church" essentially means the people. not in that many words, but that's what the real meaning of church is. the church isn't the service we go to on sundays or the building they're held in, but rather the body of believers who gather. the church is about the people who come together to build one another up, to instruct one another, and to break bread. while it is important to have individual time of worship and prayer, it is the church body that is the important aspect of what we do on sunday mornings.

i have said recently that i tend to feel like i am getting my church fulfillment from my interactions with close friends only a daily or weekly basis. all of my closest friends are Christians, so our conversations and interactions inherently are based on Christianity in some way. whether we actually talk about the Bible or the church, or whether we simply show love for one another and people outside of our friends, we can't avoid the fact that we're Christians and live our lives accordingly. but the fact is that it is important for believers to come together and intentionally share their faith. it is important that our meeting contains instruction, worship, prayer, and the breaking of bread. sharing meals was regarded as a sacred act in Jesus' time and place, so the breaking of bread among believers has become of the utmost importance to our faith.

this is just a brief look at what i've considered this morning, but i think the conclusion that i've come to (or will eventually come to) is necessary. that conclusion is that the church is important to Christianity. "the church" as a whole may have come off the path once intended, but when we evaluate the simple importance of being a body of believers, that's where we find our answers. i cannot experience the love and faith in Christianity without experiencing the faith of other believers.

timing

sometimes i like to think of my life as a movie. a slow-progressing, often boring, usually only comedic to a certain demographic, movie. today seemed like just another day in the developing story of my life. i thought about this as i walked in to the olive garden from my car after a short break between serving and hosting. i chewed my gum, tightened up my previously loose tie, ran my hand through my disheveled hair, thought about how this day could possibly be significant in my life. and then i realized that this day happened in a way that exactly pertained to the story of my life.

in a few weeks i won't be able to remember any details about this day. i worked, made an insignificant amount of tips, had no particularly interesting interactions (except a gray-haired lady telling me that she's had everything on the f-ing menu), came home and watched tv. it wasn't a memorable day. but as my life continues i can see that my timing is slightly different than God's timing. i frequently think about how i am ready for something big to happen in my life. i suppose the "something big" is landing a job that will allow me to move back to the city or start a new relationship of some sort or finally write that song that i can deem worthy of taking to an open mic. but the fact is that i may not be ready for those things and God knows it.

the clearest example of God setting me up with exactly what i needed rather than exactly what i wanted came in this past year and has resulted in where i am today. this time last year i was interviewing for youth ministry jobs because that's where i felt i was being called. i had interviews with three different churches; one full-time position in trafford, one full-time position in robinson, and one part-time position in mars. as i evaluated the situations (location, potential salaries, church beliefs, overall situation) i had decided that the church in trafford would be awesome because i'd be offered to live in the house next door to the church (short commute), i'd live far enough away from home to be independent but close enough to still see my family. the same situation would happen in robinson except i'd be in a more affluent area but without the housing option. and finally the part-time job in mars was closest to my home so i could save money by living with my parents.

to make a long story short, the churches in trafford and robinson went in different directions and i convinced myself that the church in mars was the right fit, which it seemed to be at the time. shortening the story again, i quickly learned that i did not have a heart for working in a church as the youth minister. since the job was part-time, i already picked up another job at the olive garden. as i left the church i was left in an advantageous situation; living at home and already having another job to fall back on (two things that would not have been available at the other churches).

so here i am, still working at the olive garden, wondering when i'll get to "move on" to something better. well, i think i've finally realized that God will give me the opportunities i'm ready for when i'm ready for them. i haven't dated anyone in two years because i haven't been in a strong enough mindset to take on someone else in my life. i haven't been handed a job in pittsburgh because i'm not supposed to have moved out yet. and once those sort of "big things" start happening in my life, it'll make sense. it'll be the right time and place and a lot of things will make sense. for right now i'll have to be satisfied knowing that i have no idea what's going to happen or when, just that when it does happen it'll be right. it'll be divine.

the economy and other things

i don't really know what to think about life. living at home has given me more alone time over the past 9 months than i had in the previous few years. that's not really a good thing in my mind. it's always been easy for me to make time for myself, but it's much harder to find people when you're alone than to find alone time when you're surrounded by people. long-story-short, i have been thinking a lot. this isn't necessarily a good thing.

let me explain a bit about my personality. i like having a lot of friends. i like having a lot of variety in the people i can spend time with. since high school i have enjoyed having friends in various groups. in high school i spent significant time with people i'd met in band, my advanced classes, sports teams, work, and other activities. it was nice to not be tied down to one specific group of friends to spend all of my time with. as i've grown older, and gone through similar development in college, i find myself in a position where a lot of my close friends are moving on. many of them are graduating and moving way from pittsburgh, many who remain in pittsburgh are involved in serious relationships which have or will or might lead to marriage, and that's left me with a select few friends who have no other priorities but their friendships. not to say that i'm no longer friends with those people, it's just that the dynamic of those friendships has changed.

i find it disheartening to think that we won't be able to relive a lot of the good times that have happened over the years. most significantly i think about the many relaxing nights spent at 356 atwood last school year and summer. playing friscup with ed in the backyard, jammin with everyone on the roof, sitting around armstrongs room drinking beers and listening to the composure, sleeping in robs room after a night of lovenotes performing at off 5th, casino/dress-up night in west virginia and of course the sweatfest of goldeneye in 90+ degree heat with ben. there isn't much that can beat the freedom of being able to pack up and head to philly to dj a wedding for the weekend without hesitation.

today i sit here worrying. worrying about this economy, about our government, about my current job, my future jobs, spending time with people, my health, everything. when i sit around by myself without talking to people, i start thinking, and i start worrying. and that's not the way it's supposed to be. i get depressed and upset when i hear my dad on the phone talking about obama and how untrustworthy he is and how bad of shape the economy is in. it makes me worry. but why? why am i worried about anything?

at some point i realize that money isn't much. we need it to provide necessities for ourselves, sure. but in the grand scheme of things, can't we do without it? the greatest lesson i learned during my internship last year was how to do without money. i was pretty broke all year and sometimes it felt overwhelming. but after a while i learned how to live a life of frugality. i cut corners, didn't eat out much, when i did it'd be subway or fast food in moderation. i'd exercise to balance out the less-than-stellar diet. instead of constantly driving and using gas i'd take the bus as much as possible. i basically avoided frivolous expenditures.

the fact that i learned these things makes what i see every day harder to accept. i work with a lot of people who are wasteful. they drive SUVs, spend their money on eating out, doing drugs, buying clothes, getting their nails done. i don't really understand how someone can act like they don't have much money when they do decide to treat themselves to these novelties. maybe i'm being hypocritical (i still spend a good bit of money on CDs and concert tickets), but sometimes i feel like these life lessons i've learned from being a poor college student and a poor intern have set me up to survive during this economic downturn. maybe that's why i shouldn't worry about the economy. or maybe it's really not important enough to worry about. regardless, i always know that there is a greater power looking over me. and His sacrifice has allowed me to remember, at the bottom of everything, that this world has nothing for me.