i don't really know what to think about life. living at home has given me more alone time over the past 9 months than i had in the previous few years. that's not really a good thing in my mind. it's always been easy for me to make time for myself, but it's much harder to find people when you're alone than to find alone time when you're surrounded by people. long-story-short, i have been thinking a lot. this isn't necessarily a good thing.
let me explain a bit about my personality. i like having a lot of friends. i like having a lot of variety in the people i can spend time with. since high school i have enjoyed having friends in various groups. in high school i spent significant time with people i'd met in band, my advanced classes, sports teams, work, and other activities. it was nice to not be tied down to one specific group of friends to spend all of my time with. as i've grown older, and gone through similar development in college, i find myself in a position where a lot of my close friends are moving on. many of them are graduating and moving way from pittsburgh, many who remain in pittsburgh are involved in serious relationships which have or will or might lead to marriage, and that's left me with a select few friends who have no other priorities but their friendships. not to say that i'm no longer friends with those people, it's just that the dynamic of those friendships has changed.
i find it disheartening to think that we won't be able to relive a lot of the good times that have happened over the years. most significantly i think about the many relaxing nights spent at 356 atwood last school year and summer. playing friscup with ed in the backyard, jammin with everyone on the roof, sitting around armstrongs room drinking beers and listening to the composure, sleeping in robs room after a night of lovenotes performing at off 5th, casino/dress-up night in west virginia and of course the sweatfest of goldeneye in 90+ degree heat with ben. there isn't much that can beat the freedom of being able to pack up and head to philly to dj a wedding for the weekend without hesitation.
today i sit here worrying. worrying about this economy, about our government, about my current job, my future jobs, spending time with people, my health, everything. when i sit around by myself without talking to people, i start thinking, and i start worrying. and that's not the way it's supposed to be. i get depressed and upset when i hear my dad on the phone talking about obama and how untrustworthy he is and how bad of shape the economy is in. it makes me worry. but why? why am i worried about anything?
at some point i realize that money isn't much. we need it to provide necessities for ourselves, sure. but in the grand scheme of things, can't we do without it? the greatest lesson i learned during my internship last year was how to do without money. i was pretty broke all year and sometimes it felt overwhelming. but after a while i learned how to live a life of frugality. i cut corners, didn't eat out much, when i did it'd be subway or fast food in moderation. i'd exercise to balance out the less-than-stellar diet. instead of constantly driving and using gas i'd take the bus as much as possible. i basically avoided frivolous expenditures.
the fact that i learned these things makes what i see every day harder to accept. i work with a lot of people who are wasteful. they drive SUVs, spend their money on eating out, doing drugs, buying clothes, getting their nails done. i don't really understand how someone can act like they don't have much money when they do decide to treat themselves to these novelties. maybe i'm being hypocritical (i still spend a good bit of money on CDs and concert tickets), but sometimes i feel like these life lessons i've learned from being a poor college student and a poor intern have set me up to survive during this economic downturn. maybe that's why i shouldn't worry about the economy. or maybe it's really not important enough to worry about. regardless, i always know that there is a greater power looking over me. and His sacrifice has allowed me to remember, at the bottom of everything, that this world has nothing for me.