new direction

i don't like the way this blog is going. my thoughts have been well and good, but sometimes i think i'm writing a blog just to write a blog. when i first started writing in this thing i had something to say. i wasn't writing just to write, i was writing to share thoughts that seemed worth sharing. lately, though, i'm not sure my thoughts have been worth sharing. not my public ones, at least.

so i'm taking a break. last summer i intended to "find myself", which i think i did. by the end of the summer of 2009 i was living in pittsburgh again, back in school, and restarting. i've had almost a year back in the city now and i'm staring in the face of my first summer of living in the city. thoughts and ideas will come and go this summer, but i'm not going to share them here. i'm taking the summer off from blogging.

this summer i'm looking to refresh.

i wrote a few months ago about my interest in becoming disconnected. technology has left us all with cell phones to instantly connect to one another, and half of us with the internet available on those same devices. facebook has managed to manufacture relationships while keeping you "in touch" with friends you weren't sure you ever had. well, now it's time to take some steps toward disconnection. i thought about deleting my facebook, but i'll just avoid it instead. after all, it's a useful mode of communication when necessary. same with email. but this blog has become simply a forum for me to talk and for you to listen. my thoughts haven't been interesting enough for me to continue.

so this summer i'm going to journal, paint, write songs, play music, experience art, read, and interact. this summer is about getting back down to basics and remembering who i am and where i'm going. i'm riding a bike for most of my sunny day transportation. i'm making time to journal and read the Bible. i'm hitting the refresh button. that's what this summer is about for me. i hope to see you along the way.

one goal

i am small. i am one small person in a very, very large world. i live a very small, insignificant life. i am just one small person.

sometimes this is how i feel. sure, it's a small world; like when you happen to have a mutual acquaintance with someone. but it's a large world, for real. we live in a tiny, insignificant group of united states of america. we may think that the world revolves around us, but it doesn't. at the very least, think about the fact that the most popular sport in the world (soccer) will have a world cup this summer and the united states will not win it. pretty bold to make a definitive statement, but the usa simply does not accel at the world's sport. so there, the usa is not significant.

getting back to you and me. mostly me. i'm small. i am not much in this world. my life doesn't mean much. the most important thing in my life tomorrow is making enough money (X) to get by for the week. i have to make Y this week, so as long as i make X tomorrow i should be fine. but if i don't make X tomorrow, the world won't end. i'll come home, have a tuna melt, a salad, and maybe a beer, and call it a day. it will be a good day. my bills will get paid, my stomach will be fed, and i'll live to fight another day.

my problems are insignificant. i have no one to concern myself with besides myself. i have family and friends who love me. if i really need money, i can get it. that's not a big deal. if i get stiffed on a tip, whatever. things will work themselves out.

how can i live in this way? well, i'll tell you. the most important thing i'll do on any give day has little to do with the job i go to, the studying i complete, or even the friends i encounter. it has very little to do with grocery shopping, bill-paying, or errand-running. no, the most important thing i do comes at the end of the day (and i'm not talking about my daily 8 hours of sleep). at the end of the day i'll read part of david crowder's "praise habit" book or something related to it. i'll read a psalm from that book, or maybe a different version of the psalm i'm on, or maybe the chapter in the book associated with that psalm. what's most important about this act is not even the psalm, but the meaning behind it.

God loves me. God loves me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me! what! how could any being do that? sending His son to make this ultimate sacrifice. it's truth, though. these psalms are in celebration of God's love for me. for us. these psalms are a constant reminder of this neverending love. at the very bottom of everything, God loves me. that is more important than money, friends, status, or objects.

tomorrow i have two things to do. one is to enjoy every minute as much as possible. the other is to make disciples of all nations. thanks to the love God has shown me, i can accomplish both of these things with one simple act; to love all people.


"stars" - david crowder band

culmination

we've all made mistakes. some more than others. i usually think i'm part of that "some" who have experienced more miscues than triumphs. i've never claimed to be a great decision-maker. i make a lot of choices with my heart instead of my head. many times it ends up paying off, but it can result in a lot of inconsistent behavior; or maybe even consistent behavior in making the same mistakes.

there's no sense in beating myself up over it, though. i do what i do and i have my reasons. i never studied abroad in college, which i regret now because i've developed a strong desire to see much of the world. but i know that my interest in studying abroad was not there at the time, so that's why it never happened. so my regret is erased. no sense worrying about something i cannot change. all i can do now is see the world on my own account.

life is so much about action and reaction. sometimes the worst thing you can do is sit back and let life happen. you have to make your own luck, get out there and do the things you want to do. sometimes there will be failures, but there will be triumphs. those victories will be worth it. but you can't win if you don't play. something about who God is that has stood out to me lately is that we have to make that effort to get to Him, to get to what we want, before He will give us that hand. He's not going to come along and give us anything. we have to take the first step and show that we trust Him to provide.

recently i've finally gone out and done some things i've been meaning to do. i started writing a short story in december. the first draft has been completed and i'm getting ready to work hard on revisions this summer. i have written some songs that i'm proud of since the start of graduate school, so this past weekend i finally recorded a few and put them on a myspace. you can see the link to the right of this page.

the fact is that today, this moment, is a culmination of your life. everything you and i have done to this point has resulted in this exact moment on this precise day. we've made mistakes and learned from them. we've tasted victory and want more. the question today is how can we take those mistakes, learn from them, and turn it into something amazing? things can be different. by stepping out and trusting God, we can make decisions that we've been afraid to make. let's go do that. today!


I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do. - Lucas, Empire Records

O Lord, our Lord, the majesty of your name fills the earth! - Psalm 8:9

victory over death

it is Easter morning. today is the day we celebrate the rising of Jesus Christ from the dead, physically depicting the victory He shares with us over death. death has no hold on us because Christ sacrificed His own life to save ours.

this is simple to say today. we'll go to church and they will tell us about it. we will proclaim "He is risen!" along with everyone else. we will sing songs and hymns about the fact that Christ is risen today. i've never been to a Easter service at a non-Catholic church, but i can clearly hear the singing at good samaritan in ambridge; Jesus Christ is risen today! alleluia! but what does it all mean? it means eternal life, indeed. but for those of us who want to experience some kind of tangible meaning here today, what does it mean?

the meaning of Christ's victory over death today tells me that the life i experience in this world has an end. this life is short and sweet, but should be enjoyed. chances should be taken, opportunities should not be passed. bucket lists should be completed and life should be lived to the fullest. as Christ commands us in matthew, we are to spread the good news. we are to go and make disciples. as st francis suggests, we are to preach the gospel always, and when necessary use words. we are to be a living sacrifice in representation of the sacrifice made by Jesus.

Christ died to save us. the least we could do is share that news.

He is risen indeed.

one man's brief guide to restaurant etiquette

i'm not one to hold up to commitments all the time, so i hope everyone took my post with a grain of salt when i announced that i'd be doing a restaurant etiquette post a few months ago. sorry about that. welcome to my life. i got a few people who thought that'd be a good idea, though, because there are enough people who don't know some things that i, having worked in a restaurant for a couple years now, thought was common knowledge about how to act, how to tip, what to order, etc. well, sorry about the wait, but finally here are some of my thoughts. i'm no expert, i'm just sharing what i've learned from my first two years of experience, having very little idea of what the business was like before i started (like many of you, i'm sure).

first, a preface. i started reading "kitchen confidential: adventures in the culinary underbelly" by anthony bourdain (host of no reservations on the travel channel). it's a great read and i think everyone should pick it up and read through it if you plan on eating out a good bit. you'll get an idea of the types of people who work in a restaurant, the tiresome grind that we (especially the behind-the-scenes cooks and prep people) go through to fill your bellies. so for more about the food side of the equation, read it.

1. respecting your seaters

you walk into your favorite spot on a friday night. there's a wait. you're surprised. i have to wait 20 minutes to be sat? but i'm hungry! i don't have the patience for this! guess what, my friend, it's a friday night. or even a wednesday night. depending on the place, time of day, and time of year, you're going to wait. don't take it out on the host staff. they want you up there bitching and moaning to them about as much as you want to be up there bitching and moaning. it's one of the most mindless, yet thankless jobs in the front of the house. "why don't you just push a couple tables together for our party of 8?" sir, you're brilliant! my life is changed and has been made simpler thanks to the most basic suggestion of how to seat your oversized party in the restaurant i spend more time in than i'd like to count. you're a life saver!

the host staff knows what they're doing. if they don't seat you in an empty section, it's probably because there is no server there. go ahead and sit wherever you want, they can't guarantee that you'll be served there if they don't put you there themselves.

2. respect your wait staff

i'll be flogged for saying that the host staff is the most underappreciated group in the front of the house, but servers have an argument. we run, we smile, we try not to roll our eyes, and we get your food to you as fast as the kitchen gets it to us. and all for what, 15% of your bill? 20% if you're a good tipper. we'll get to tips in a minute. respect your wait staff, they're handling your food for pete's sake. watch "waiting". it doesn't happen everywhere, but just know that those people you might disrespect are in charge of what does or does not enter your body for the next hour.

be aware of how busy your server is. if they're running around refilling bread and drinks for 3 other tables, chances are they won't get to your water in the next 10 seconds. ask for things in bunches so they're not running back and forth for one thing at a time.

and for goodness sake, try not to be picky. allergies, take em into account, we won't be bothered by that. those tomatoes you could live without? pick them out yourself, or suck em down cause they're good for you. i can't speak for the culinary crew, but i'm guessing they're not big fans of picky eaters. even at a chain like olive garden, recipes have been prepared and used by chefs because that's how they're supposed to be prepared. yea, you can change the sauce or garnish, but you're running the risk of being insulting in saying that your way is better than the chef's. being picky complicates things and, depending on how much your server cares or may be absent-minded (me), you may not even get that parsley left off of your fett alfredo, anyways.

3. respect the money

i didn't realize that not everyone in the united states knew that servers, generally, make $2.83 an hour and that courtesy is to tip at least 15% of your bill. well, now you know. it's not true everywhere in the country, as i've been informed that CA pays their servers more, but in general we are living off those tips. know that anything less than 15% is an insult if our service was on par. a 10% tip is an insult. anything less and i'd rather just get stiffed, but make sure to watch your back on your way out. if we do everything, get everything you want, and make your experience enjoyable, then take that into account.

i tip 20%. that's me, though. tip what you think is appropriate. if you go to eat n park for a cup of coffee and a cookie, keep an eye on how many times your coffee is refilled. sure, your bill is $4, but their service deserves more than a dollar. if you get a three course meal, think before you leave $4.

finally, think about how long you're there. you have dinner with an old friend, coffee and dessert, then sit and chat for another hour. sure, your server isn't necessarily getting you anything aside from an occasional decaff refill, but you're keeping them from using that table for another set of paying customers. if you're going to sit twice as long, consider tipping twice as much. this is how people are making a living, so if you're keeping them from having another table, then have the courtesy to make up for it.

4. respecting the food

i don't have a lot to say about this, but i'll share a couple items from "kitchen confidential". first, if you eat out on a monday it might not be the best option to order fish. the fish that will be served on monday will be leftover from the weekend. it's whatever the owner doesn't want to throw out because it's still clean and safe, yet it's not fresh. tuesday's and thursday's fish are better options. second, ordering a well done steak will get you the scraps. in regard to the "tough, slightly skanky end-cut of sirloin that's been pushed repeatedly to the back of the pile", it's likely that the chef will choose to "'save for well-done' - serve it to some rube who prefers to eat his meat or fish incinerated into a flavorless, leathery hunk of carbon, who won't be able to tell if what he's eating is food or flotsam." these are from the mouth of a chef, friends. for more, read the book.

finally, in regards to food, expect what you pay for. yea, olive garden and tgi friday's are better than mcdonalds, but not much. olive garden is going to coat your food in heavy cream and butter, making it utterly unhealthy, and causing the obesity problem in america charged solely on fast food restaurants. it's true, folks, there's a reason i ate there twice during my employment. it tastes good, but you'll regret it later. if you want some high quality food made by trained professionals, you're going to have to pay for it; probably why i don't eat out much.


so that's what i've got. keep in mind, i'm no expert, i'm simply a partially jaded veteran of chain restaurant service. this isn't everything, either, but it's what you need to know at the beginning. notice the key word: respect. respect your service-providers and they'll respect you.

legacy

i rarely make posts two days in a row, but i haven't been hit with something to write about this much in a while.

sometimes i get the feeling that i'm going to be one of those people whose life gets cut short too early. i don't mean that in a pessimistic, depressing way (there IS another way, believe it!) but i mean it in a way that i'm aware of the possibility that any drive to work could be my last; my next soccer game could be my last; this blog could be my last. let's face it, life comes at us fast and sometimes it's too fast for us to survive. i don't think that i'm going to die before i'm 90, but i feel like it makes sense to live life like i could go early.

so if you died today, what would people remember about you? what would be said at your funeral? what is the legacy you'll leave behind? i'm reading donald miller's new book, a million miles in a thousand years, and it talks mainly about how our lives are stories. he is recounting his life and realizing that he's done a lot of talking, but maybe not enough living. his earlier book, through painted deserts, prompted a trip to seattle last summer (and again this summer), but this one is giving me that motivation i need to get out there and make a story of my life.

most things that happen in movies don't happen in real life, as explained by moviemakers in miller's newest work. but that doesn't mean we can't get out there and try to do things that only happen in the movies. have adventures, take chances, juggle risks. no one's ever won the lottery without playing it. jack johnson wouldn't be on our itunes if he didn't write his songs down. bill gates wouldn't be one of the richest men in america without creating something useful for the world. michael jordan wouldn't be the greatest basketball player of all time if he'd had listened to his middle school coach who cut him.

to go along with the resolution i referenced yesterday, i'd say another new resolution of how i'll live my life is to make sure that everything i'm doing is either A) the most enjoyable thing i could be doing at the time or B) helping me strive toward a greater goal in my life. approaching every minute of every day this way should help create the story i want people to reflect on.

a better man

today was a very reflective day. i realized how absent-minded and misguided i am sometimes in remembering assignments that i had to do and prescriptions that i need filled at the last minute. some of the simplest tasks, like paying 50 cents and making a cup of coffee, became incredibly difficult for my brain to focus on. the day was a wash in terms of accomplishing what i wanted to accomplish, so here i sit at 11pm still just letting my mind wander rather than do anything productive.

today is a day where i get to the end of the day and still realize that things are very day-to-day for me. i'm in a grad program that i like, but i'm not super-stoked to get out and study and learn about higher ed management. i have a job that pays the bills, but i don't particularly care for. i have a lot more free time on my hands than my friends, but i still don't have enough to accomplish what i want to accomplish during the day. i just want to spend the day playing guitar, reading, writing, and having fun. i guess that's too much to ask after you graduate college, but is it? it depresses me to think that we can be limited in the things we really want to do by society telling us we need a job and a degree and to clean our house and mow the grass and blah blah blah. by the time we perform daily maintenance on our life, the day is over.

but maybe living life day-to-day isn't such a bad thing. why spend so much time worrying about what's going to happen in the future when you don't even know if the future will come? i guess that brings me to the point that life is just a series of events, moments in time that we have the chance to do something great; to leave a legacy. a moment comes and then it's gone, it doesn't wait for very long for you to decide the difference between right and wrong. before you know it, time has passed and you've just been sitting around thinking about it instead of living it.

i wanted to write a new years resolution blog last month, but never got to it. i don't really have any resolutions that i wouldn't want to uphold constantly, anyways. i want to be a better man than i was at the beginning of the year. in 2009 i made a lot of mistakes. i took a lot of chances. i made some important decisions. i hurt some people, but helped some others. i did a lot of selfish things, but i also did a lot of selfless things. i experienced a lot of moments, lived in them, reacted to them, and at the end of the day i'm a better man in 2010 than i was in 2009 because of it. that's really all i want, and that's really all we can strive for.