regret

i've been forced to consider my thoughts on life recently. i've made some decisions that may have upset some people and for that i'm sorry. when it comes down to it i have really become a war of head versus heart, as the death cab-inspired title of my blog reads. i find myself in a constant battle of what should i do versus what do i want to do. what decision is best for the long-run versus what decision is best for me now. will my reasoning justify my decisions, or am i simply looking for some roundabout way for my priorities to see right despite their wrongness?

rory cochrane ("lucas") once said one of my favorite lines in empire records, which may have been taken from somewhere else. "i do not regret the things i've done, but those i did not do". the way i apply that statement to my life is that i know why i make the decisions i make and do the things i've done. in hindsight i'd certainly like to have made some different choices in my life, but i know that if i went back and did it again i'd probably do the same thing because there was a reason for it. whatever i did at the time felt like the right thing to do. i feel like that's the reason most people make decisions.

life is a series of actions and reactions, so things happen and then we figure out how to deal with them. i am who i am, and where i am, as a result of what's happened to me. some things were controllable, some weren't. but what's the point of contemplating what could have been? the Bible wonders what the point of worrying is because it will have no bearing on solving the problems or making today any easier. sometimes we make decisions that alienate people or cause harm, but we learn from those decisions and they ultimately make us better people. if i spent time worrying about people disagreeing with decisions i've made then i probably wouldn't have enough time left over to make anything positive happen. our time here is short and there doesn't seem to be much need for regret in my eyes.

i haven't been close to the ideal model Christian in a long time. i could make plenty of excuses for it, too. maybe it's because i got burned out by ministry. maybe it's because i've been isolated in cranberry and haven't attended any Bible study. maybe it's because i've lost hope for getting into a full-time job and have given in to the frustrations of my current job. whatever the reason, it may make sense, but the bottom line is that i know what it means to be a Christian and i still have chosen to not share that love as much as i have in the past and for that i'm sorry. i'll learn from the past year and move forward. the basis of Christianity allows for second chances and hopefully that can be granted.