direction

graduate school started a few weeks ago for me. classes, schoolwork, reading, it's all back and i'm not particularly excited about it. graduate school is a means to an end for me. i can't find a job, i want a job at a college, so i'm in higher education management. makes sense right? i thought it did, at least. that is until i got to my classes and realized that about 95% of my program is considerably more motivated and career-oriented than i am. this made me wonder; am i not motivated enough? am i missing something? are my priorities out of whack? why am i the only one in the class who seems to have things on their mind besides school?

so let's investigate. american society today has different priorities than it once did. people in the professional realm seem to place quite a bit of importance on money. maybe that's not the difference. but people in my class talked about how people in our line of work may choose to be single longer because they have long hours and lots of moving from job to job. working their way up the professional ladder to bigger and better careers seems like the motivation for people in my classes. who doesn't want bigger and better though? i mean, i could always use more money. but what are they sacrificing by making these professional moves? relationships? friends? time to themselves? i'm pretty sure i have little interest in sacrificing those things.

so now i start thinking about why my mindset is different than my classmates'. my focus in my career is pretty much to make enough money to provide for myself and my family. that's it. i don't have any big career aspirations. i know my dad raised my family on a pretty modest salary, put us all through college, and raised quite a beautiful family, life, and home. and he never became president of anything. were his motivations wrong? is there something missing? my thoughts are no. my priorities are different than my colleagues. do i want to be president of college? sure, it'd be cool. am i willing to put forth those long hours and sacrifices to do so? i doubt it. is that so wrong?

my motivation in my life right now and for the future is pretty simple; be as happy as possible all the time. that's it man. why on earth would i want to do anything else? heck, that's selfish enough. i haven't even mentioned the part about my faith calling me to serve God in all that i do; the other goal in my life. so what kind of motivation does that give me for my career? i want to move up the ladder, find a job i like, make as much money as possible. but the more money i make, the better i can provide for my family, the more my wife can stay home and care for our kids, the more i can donate to my friends in ministry and other worthy causes.

my short term goal isn't anything complicated. right now i want to enjoy life as much as possible while graduating. in two years i want to get to seattle. i want to live there and get started in the higher ed realm. that's it. and that might change between now and the time i graduate. what i do know is that my friend jenn seemed to enjoy being an RD at seattle pacific university and that looks pretty good to me too. at least it'll pay more than olive garden.

all signs point west

this is the third time i've tried to type this entry. i think it's just hard for me to put into words exactly what i'm thinking and feeling since returning from seattle. anyone who's been there knows why it's amazing. anyone who hasn't been there needs to go. when i left two weeks ago i said there was a 40% chance that i'd end up there after graduation from grad school. as time goes on, that percentage grows. i can't get the city off my mind and i don't know if i will until i return.

it's like an ex-girlfriend who dumps you but gives you definite hope that things might work out with you two. i see things that remind me of her all over the place. styles of clothes, death cab songs, my sounders fc scarf. i can't get away from it. my journal started with seattle and is just full of seattle memories and thoughts. what doesn't help is that i returned to pittsburgh to find some newfound schoolwork and a less lucrative job than when i left. not only is it less lucrative, but i don't know how many more tables i can serve before i just take off my apron and walk out. basically, my vacation life in seattle seems infinitely better than my stress-filled life in pittsburgh.

maybe that's why i want seattle so badly. because it's something new. it's something different. i don't know why. maybe it's the constant view of puget sound. maybe it's the coffeeshops, book stores, and record stores all over. maybe it's the wilderness just outside the city limits. maybe it's the friendliness of the people or the relaxed mood of the west coast. i'm not sure if i can pinpoint anything in particular. all i know is it's intriguing. so intriguing that i'm pretty certain it'll be the destination after graduation. if i can wait that long.

leaving

it's an amazing thing. it can change lives. it can make you realize what you've left behind. it can also show you what you've never seen and what could be. i haven't done a lot of leaving, but i'm about to do some and it intrigues me. it makes me wonder whether the grass is really greener. it makes me wonder what God has in store for me next. it also makes me wonder if i'll come back, or if i'll even want to come back.

tomorrow i'm taking a trip to seattle. this was really a compromise from a road trip i wanted to take around the country when i first thought of the idea. i wanted to do this after reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller. i wanted to check out something new, head west, find myself. so i talked myself down to a flight to seattle to visit my newlywed friends jenn and ron cepek. conveniently my friend scott decided to join late. we'll be there the same time, but on different flights. when scott and i were talking about the trip he said to me that there's something about flying across the country that makes you feel like you're leaving something behind. what makes my situation even more amazing is that i really am leaving a lot behind.

today i am a resident of economy borough and an employee of olive garden in cranberry. when i get back from seattle next week i'll be a resident of pittsburgh, an employee of olive garden in green tree, and a graduate student at pitt. this trip is the transition between one life and another. life will be different and it's a difference i've been looking for for a long time. i've grown fond of my co-workers in cranberry, but this isn't where i belong. and that's a lot of what i'll be considering on this trip.

my favorite part about the traveling portion of this trip is the fact that scott and i are flying by ourselves. this will allow for hours and hours of personal reflection. i'll be reading "on the road" by jack kerouac, listening to seattle bands on my ipod, and writing in my journal for hours. maybe during my layovers i'll have a beer and make a few friends on the way. the possibilities are endless. and the trip is all mine. i've had so much time to take time to simply think over the past few months. i've spent more time by myself over the past year than i have since i was in high school. this has resulted in growing as an intellectual by simply thinking more. i spend plenty of time at work and in the car simply considering life and what it means and why, just why. much of the result of this thinking has been documented in this blog. it's really been an amazing opportunity to re-connect with myself.

so what do i hope to gain from this trip? well, if nothing else i'll get to spend some time with some good friends. i want to see seattle and evaluate whether it's somewhere i'd like to consider as a future temporary home. i want to see the pacific ocean. i want to experience beauty that i haven't experienced before. i want to take time to be on my own. i want to see a fish tossed across the room, then have it for lunch. i want to taste a beer made in the pacific northwest. i want to meet someone i may never see again. i want to see and express my thoughts on the other end of the country. i want to see the people living in houseboats and think about what my life would be like if i joined them. most importantly i want to leave. i want to leave everything here and try something else. i want to get as far away from here as possible, knowing that i have the comfort of returning on the other end of the trip. i want to try it out and see what i think. then i want to come home and consider leaving again.

regret

i've been forced to consider my thoughts on life recently. i've made some decisions that may have upset some people and for that i'm sorry. when it comes down to it i have really become a war of head versus heart, as the death cab-inspired title of my blog reads. i find myself in a constant battle of what should i do versus what do i want to do. what decision is best for the long-run versus what decision is best for me now. will my reasoning justify my decisions, or am i simply looking for some roundabout way for my priorities to see right despite their wrongness?

rory cochrane ("lucas") once said one of my favorite lines in empire records, which may have been taken from somewhere else. "i do not regret the things i've done, but those i did not do". the way i apply that statement to my life is that i know why i make the decisions i make and do the things i've done. in hindsight i'd certainly like to have made some different choices in my life, but i know that if i went back and did it again i'd probably do the same thing because there was a reason for it. whatever i did at the time felt like the right thing to do. i feel like that's the reason most people make decisions.

life is a series of actions and reactions, so things happen and then we figure out how to deal with them. i am who i am, and where i am, as a result of what's happened to me. some things were controllable, some weren't. but what's the point of contemplating what could have been? the Bible wonders what the point of worrying is because it will have no bearing on solving the problems or making today any easier. sometimes we make decisions that alienate people or cause harm, but we learn from those decisions and they ultimately make us better people. if i spent time worrying about people disagreeing with decisions i've made then i probably wouldn't have enough time left over to make anything positive happen. our time here is short and there doesn't seem to be much need for regret in my eyes.

i haven't been close to the ideal model Christian in a long time. i could make plenty of excuses for it, too. maybe it's because i got burned out by ministry. maybe it's because i've been isolated in cranberry and haven't attended any Bible study. maybe it's because i've lost hope for getting into a full-time job and have given in to the frustrations of my current job. whatever the reason, it may make sense, but the bottom line is that i know what it means to be a Christian and i still have chosen to not share that love as much as i have in the past and for that i'm sorry. i'll learn from the past year and move forward. the basis of Christianity allows for second chances and hopefully that can be granted.

disconnection

i use facebook. i am consistently on gmail. sometimes i log into aim still. and my cell phone is always with me, although i have a limited number of text messages and i'm not the most reliable at answering or returning calls. i am very connected to the world and it's people. if someone wanted to reach me this second, they could talk to me on facebook chat. they couldn't reach me by phone; it's on silent like it is all night long. i decided a long time ago that there is not a single phone call that is more important than sleep. that thought was reinforced when my missed calls would be from the olive garden at 9am.

all of this is to illustrate a little background before i write about my desire to create a disconnect with the world. my brothers and sister didn't have this extensive amount of communication resources when they were in college in the early 90s. a couple of them went to pitt, so imagining their situation at the same school i went to would blow my mind. they had some email, but no aim or facebook. no cell phones. their main communication resource was the room telephone. which those of us still living in the 1900s know is pretty inconvenient if you're not in your room or house to answer the phone. so yes, maybe we are better off now with the technology we have to use to contact people we want to hang out with and stay in touch with old friends.

on the other hand, we are all bothered by the notorious text messager who sends messages while we're trying to talk to them. or who sends you messages saying "hey" or "what's up". i don't respond to those messages. being connected isn't a bad thing, i just find it hard to figure out what the point of twitter is.

a few friends recently have been using their blackberries a lot and have started to pressure me to get one. well, one friend is really pressuring because she caved once she saw her husband and our other friend using them constantly. but i told her i have absolutely no need to spend money on something like that. which makes me think about how i'd like to disconnect myself from the world. over the years i've had a few close friends who have been impossible to get ahold of. they'd rarely answer their phone or return calls. this would frustrate those of us who do answer and return calls. but after surrounding myself with some more close friends who tend to keep themselves independent and noncommital in the way they live their lives, i have discovered the sense of independence that comes from avoiding communication devices. there is something freeing about leaving your cell phone at home. and there is certainly a sense of accomplishment when you log in to facebook for the first time in days.

i suppose what i'm saying is that american society has pressured us, especially teens-to-20s, into constantly being reachable. a while ago i wrote about a co-worker who does not have the internet or a cell phone. i think i'm past the point where i could go without either, but he lives a simpler life that i would like to strive for. i don't like people to think they can find me if they need to. i don't want to be found. i don't want to be tied down by technology or, while we're at it, time.

i don't really know what the conclusion i'm coming to is. i probably won't ween myself off of emails because i am looking for a job. for the same reason i won't take away my cell phone. and i already don't respond to text messages if i don't feel like it. i guess what i'm saying is that there is something to be said for being on your own and deciding if and when people can reach you.

maybe it's just the non-conformist in me. or maybe it's the side of me that wants to maintain the Biblical idea of being in the world but not of the world. i feel like i am being "of the world" when i rely on things like facebook. and maybe the more i disconnect myself from everyone, the more time and energy i can have to reconnect with God.

standing on the edge of summer

i always loved the title of thursday's song. "betting on our own lives, making up for all the time we lost." driving home from dc today, i felt exactly that way. and i felt like i was standing on the edge of the most important summer of my life. every summer seems that way, but i really feel it this time. i've felt like the weight of the world has been on me the past week and this weekend showed me that it's not. i try not to write too many blogs that are specifically about my life, like a journal entry, but this is what's on my mind tonight. there are a series of events approaching that are going to make-or-break the coming months, or maybe even years.

there are two particularly influential things i'm looking forward to this summer. the first of these is suncrest, i'll come back to that. the second of these will be a trip to seattle to visit my friends, jenn and ron. this is where my spiritual journey will lead me. i wanted to take a trip somewhere by myself this summer and this is where i've been led. i just had a pretty plan/stress free trip to dc and i look forward to an even less structured trip to the pacific northwest. seattle is a city i want to scout out for a potential move, but also a place so far away from what i'm used to that it will allow me to clear my mind and refresh before grad school starts a week later. i look forward to just walking around the city by myself, as if i lived there, with no agenda and nothing to do but enjoy my surroundings. i also look forward to spending time with a couple of good friends only a month after they marry and reunite as they've been living apart (jenn in seattle, ron in pittsburgh) since august. seeing them starting a new life together in a new city (for ron at least) will be exciting for someone like me to see. someone who doesn't live there, but has considered it. but mostly i look forward to being in an uncomfortable place with nothing to do but enjoy my surroundings.

and then there's suncrest. a funny thing happened on my way to being a youth minister... i got sick of church. not only that, i stopped reading the Bible in any consistent fashion. i got burned out, didn't want to lead anything anymore, and just needed time away from the previously intense practice of faith that i was exhibiting. so it's been a while since anything regarding church has made me interested, let alone excited. i'm not counseling, nor should i be. i'm in no state to lead. my faith is still there, and i still practice what i preach, but i just don't have the energy to sit in a cabin with kids and tell them about Jesus. on the other hand, i'm playing drums and i cannot wait. playing music at suncrest has been a dream of mine since i started playing drums a few summers ago. on top of that, ron is leading worship for his last summer at camp and i am beyond thrilled to be a part of it. ron played guitar and was a counselor when i was in high school, so it's an honor to share the stage with him every evening this year.

but most importantly, suncrest is about the services. God works in amazing ways at that camp, at meals, on the basketball court, in the cabins, but especially in the tabernacle. the Word of God is shared and we sing songs joyously in praise of a loving and forgiving God. there have been times in the past week or so that i will think about a particular song we'll be playing and i literally get chills and my heart starts racing because i'm so excited to be playing for camp. knowing that i will hear the voices of kids who have come to the right place to find what they're looking for, knowing that i will see them in front of me with their arms stretched to the sky and their hearts searching for Christ, that's what i need. that's what brought me to my faith and that's what's going to bring me back.

so here i am, standing on the edge of summer. an unbelievable weekend in dc behind me (meeting the avetts, pens winning the cup, spending time with some of my best friends), and my life ahead of me. i see big changes coming soon. i see a job and i see a move back to the city. i see myself finding something i've been looking for when i go to seattle, but most importantly i see what could be my last suncrest event being the most important i've ever had. i know God has been doing things in my life and i feel a culmination coming soon. but most importantly i know that there are many days beyond this summer. i suppose today is just the first day of the rest of my life.

music (part 1)

i am pretty lonely. i try not to show it too often but it's true. and it's not any of your faults, so don't feel bad. it's the natural progression of the post-college lifestyle where people have different priorities and are coming and going. a few of my closest friends recently left pittsburgh for the summer, probably longer, and i'm not taking it well. i have friends around and i'm thankful for them, but the best friend i've had lately has been music.

i expect that this will be the first of many blogs about music because it's such an important part of my life, but tonight i'm just feeling how i fill the voids in my life with music. i know that as a christian i should be filling those voids with God, and i am working on doing that, but in the meantime i like to think that God's provided music for me to enjoy for now.

the last few days i've felt especially lonely and empty, mostly because my job is no longer very enjoyable, and tonight i came home and played drums. i was getting antsy where i was this evening because i really just wanted to come home and wail on my kit. and i did. i am really thankful for parents who let me play as loud as i can at 11:30. but i had the song "beating heart baby" by head automatica stuck in my head all night (thanks monica) and i just had to come home and play it. the song just made me feel alive. and when i made the key hits at the right time, it almost brought me to tears because i felt so overwhelmed by music.

sometimes there are just songs that fit the mood. or brighten the mood. when i'm feeling depressed on my way to work i like to put on "at the beach" by the avett brothers. there's no song that makes me feel better like that one. it's upbeat, it's meaningful, it's simple, it'll get stuck in my head all day. there's nothing like getting a good song stuck in your head all day. but when i sit down and play that tune on guitar it just feels amazing. to hear your favorite song recreated by your own hands is an unbelieveable feeling.

a friend of mine got his hands on audio bootlegs of 30 live avett brothers shows. when i stayed at his place that week we just sat in his living room, drank some beer, and listened. i'd relive that evening over and over if i could. there's nothing i do more than listen to music, except breathe. we listened to a show that we both attended at the kent stage in kent, oh. i always say that listening to songs helps me relive the drama of seeing the song played live, but it's a completely different level when you actually hear the performance again. the chills are there. the excitement is there. the anticipation of "what song is next?" is there. that's the feeling i'm looking for in my everyday life and music is what provides it.

i know that resolving an issue in my life with a real conversation with a real person can't be replaced, but sometimes i really feel like i can keep on going with just a tune in my speakers. when i'm feeling like the world is against me, no one cures my land-locked blues like bright eyes. when i want to share my simple joy with people, no band can match the avett brothers' insight. when i'm feeling energized, squad five-o knows how to let it loose. and sometimes having a conversation about something doesn't get the feelings out like sitting on the throne of my old $250 used ludwig set.